BDELYCLEON (who has returned)
By Zeus! you have Olympia at your finger-ends!
(A BAKER'S WIFE enters with an empty basket; she brings CHAEREPHON with her as witness.)
BAKER'S WIFE (to CHAEREPHON)
Come to my help, I beg you, in the name of the gods! This cursed man, when striking out right and left with his torch, knocked over ten loaves worth an obolus apiece, and then, to cap the deal, four others.
BDELYCLEON
Do you see what lawsuits you are drawing upon yourself with your drunkenness? You will have to plead.
PHILOCLEON
Oh, no, no! a little pretty talk and pleasant tales will soon settle the matter and reconcile her with me. Not so, by the goddesses twain! It shall not be said that you have with impunity spoilt the wares of Myrtia, the daughter of Ancylion and Sostrate.
PHILOCLEON
Listen, woman, I wish to tell you a lovely anecdote.
BAKER'S WIFE
By Zeus, no anecdotes for me, thank you.
PHILOCLEON
One night Aesop was going out to supper. A drunken bitch had the impudence to bark near him. Aesop said to her, "Oh, bitch, bitch! you would do well to sell your wicked tongue and buy some wheat."
BAKER'S WIFE
You make a mock of me! Very well! I don't care who you are, I shall summons you before the market inspectors for damage done to my business. Chaerephon here shall be my witness.
PHILOCLEON
But just listen, here's another will perhaps please you better. Lasus and Simonides were contesting against each other for the singing prize. Lasus said, "Damned if I care."
BAKER'S WIFE
Ah! really, did he now!
PHILOCLEON
As for you, Chaerephon, can you be witness to this woman, who looks as pale and tragic as Ino when she throws herself from her rock...at the feet of Euripides?
(The BAKER'S WIFE and CHAEREPHON depart.)
BDELYCLEON
Here, I suppose, comes another to summons you; he has his witness too. Ah! unhappy indeed we are!
(A badly bruised man enters.)
ACCUSER
I summons you, old man, for outrage.
BDELYCLEON
For outrage? Oh! in the name of the gods, do not summons him! I will be answerable for him; name the price and I will be more more grateful still.
PHILOCLEON
I ask for nothing better than to be reconciled with him; for I admit I struck him and threw stones at him. So, first come here. Will you leave it in my hands to name the indemnity I must pay, if I promise you my friendship as well, or will you fix it yourself?
ACCUSER
Fix it; I like neither lawsuits nor disputes.
PHILOCLEON
A man of Sybaris fell from his chariot and wounded his head most severely; he was a very poor driver. One of his friends came up to him and said, "Every man to his trade." Well then, go you to Pittalus to get mended.
BDELYCLEON
You are incorrigible.
ACCUSER (to his witness)
At all events, make a note of his reply. (They start to leave.)
PHILOCLEON
Listen, instead of going off so abruptly. A woman at Sybaris broke a box.
ACCUSER (to his witness)
I again ask you to witness this.
PHILOCLEON
The box therefore had the fact attested, but the woman said, "Never worry about witnessing the matter, but hurry off to buy a cord to tie it together with; that will be the more sensible course."
ACCUSER
Oh! go on with your ribaldry until the Archon calls the case.
(He and his witness depart.)
BDELYCLEON (to PHILOCLEON)
By Demeter! you'll stay here no longer! I am going to take you and carry you off.
PHILOCLEON
And what for?
BDELYCLEON
What for? I am going to carry you into the house, so that the accusers will not run out of witnesses.
PHILOCLEON
One day at Delphi, Aesop....
BDELYCLEON
I don't care a fig for that.
PHILOCLEON
....was accused of having stolen a sacred vase. But he replied, that the horn-beetle....
BDELYCLEON
Oh, dear, dear! You'll drive me crazy with your horn-beetle. (PHILOCLEON goes on with his fable while BDELYCLEON is carrying him off the scene by main force.)
CHORUS (singing)
I envy you your happiness, old man. What a contrast to his former frugal habits and his very hard life! Taught now in quite another school, he will know nothing but the pleasures of ease. Perhaps he will jibe at it, for indeed it is difficult to renounce what has become one's second nature. However, many have done it, and adopting the ideas of others, have changed their use and wont. As for Philocleon's son, I, like all wise and judicious men, cannot sufficiently praise his filial tenderness and his tact. Never have I met a more amiable nature, and I have conceived the greatest fondness for him. How he triumphed on every point in his discussion with his father, when he wanted to bring him back to more worthy and honourable tastes!
XANTHIAS (coming out of the house)
By Bacchus! Some Evil Genius has brought this unbearable disorder into our house. The old man, full up with wine and excited by the sound of the flute, is so delighted, so enraptured, that he is spending the night executing the old dances that Thespis first produced on the stage, and just now he offered to prove to the modern tragedians, by disputing with them for the dancing prize, that they are nothing but a lot of old dotards.
(BDELYCLEON comes out of the house with his father who is costumed as POLYPHEMUS in Euripides' Cyclops.)
PHILOCLEON
"Who loiters at the door of the vestibule?"
XANTHIAS
Here comes our pest, our plague!
PHILOCLEON
Let down the barriers. The dance is now to begin.
(He begins to dance in a manner grotesquely parodying that of Euripides.)
XANTHIAS
Or rather the madness.
PHILOCLEON
Impetuous movement already twists and racks my sides. How my nostrils wheeze! how my back cracks!
XANTHIAS
Go and fill yourself with hellebore.
PHILOCLEON
Phrynichus is as bold as a cock and terrifies his rivals.
XANTHIAS
He'll be stoned.
PHILOCLEON
His leg kicks out sky-high....
XANTHIAS
....and his arse gapes open.
PHILOCLEON
Mind your own business. Look how easily my leg-joints move. Isn't that good?
XANTHIAS
God, no, it's merely insane!
PHILOCLEON
And now I summon and challenge my rivals. It there be a tragic poet who pretends to be a skilful dancer, let him come and contest the matter with me. Is there one? Is there not one?
XANTHIAS
Here comes one, and one only.
(A very small dancer, costumed as a crab, enters.)
PHILOCLEON
Who is the wretch?
XANTHIAS
The younger son of Carcinus.
PHILOCLEON
I will crush him to nothing; in point of keeping time, I will knock him out, for he knows nothing of rhythm.
XANTHIAS
Ah! ah! here comes his brother too, another tragedian, and another son of Carcinus.
(Another dancer, hardly larger than the first, and similarly costumed, enters.)
PHILOCLEON
Him I will devour for my dinner.
XANTHIAS
Oh! ye gods! I see nothing but crabs. Here is yet another son of Carcinus.
(A third dancer enters, likewise resembling a crab, but smaller than either of the others.)
PHILOCLEON
What's this? A shrimp or a spider?
XANTHIAS
It's a crab,-a hermit-crab, the smallest of its kind; it writes tragedies.
PHILOCLEON
Oh! Carcinus, how proud you should be of your brood! What a crowd of kinglets have come swooping down here! But we shall have to measure ourselves against them. Have marinade prepared for seasoning them, in case I prove the victor.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Let us stand out of the way a little, so that they may twirl at their ease.
CHORUS
(It divides in two and accompanies with its song the wild dancing of PHILOCLEON and the sons of CARCINUS in the centre of the Orchestra.) Come, illustrious children of this inhabitant of the brine, brothers of the shrimps, skip on the sand and the shore of the barren sea; show us the lightning whirls and twirls of your nimble limbs. Glorious offspring of Phrynichus, let fly your kicks, so that the spectators may be overjoyed at seeing your legs so high in air. Twist, twirl, tap your bellies, kick your legs to the sky. Here comes your famous father, the ruler of the sea, delighted to see his three lecherous kinglets. Go on with your dancing, if it pleases you, but as for us, we shall not join you. Lead us promptly off the stage, for never a comedy yet was seen where the Chorus finished off with a dance.
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